some days, it feels like my dad passed yesterday & some days, it feels as though its been an eternity. it feels so long ago that i heard him say "hey ashy" when i walked through the door of my parents home, but the image of him holding my sweet arrow in the hospital is somehow still so fresh in my mind.
its a strange thing, loss. you watch it in the movies & hear stories from friends, and you feel sympathetic, because you couldn't imagine yourself in their position; but it is an entirely different feeling to place on your own body. the weight of it is nearly unbearable. my whole life has been drastically changed by removing just a single person. permanently. its not like i cry over my dad every day, but some days, man, it just hits me all over again. certain things, foods, songs, or people remind me of him; most the time it is a bittersweet sadness or an "i wish daddy were here, he would love this" moment.
i wish that i could just wrap my arms around him one more time or have a conversation with him, it wouldn't even have to be a life changer, just a conversation about the weather, whats for dinner or a broncos game would do. losing my dad has changed me, darkened me in some ways and lightened me in others. his passing gave me a new appreciation for life but in the same breath gave me a bitter taste in my mouth for people who still have what i would kill to get back. lately though, the grief has started to ease, i feel like my sisters and i are finally getting to the point where we can reminisce safely, without it ending up a huge cry fest. we can laugh about the good old days & sometimes even talk about his passing. my brothers have stepped up to the plate & done their best to fill the 'man' void in my moms new home, and life is seeming to just go on. not like normal. but go on. arrow+abel play a huge role in that i think. its so hard to feel sad & dark when they are so happy & light; growing, learning and changing & i know my dad is watching them from above with his trademark grin spread across his face. that gives me some peace.
its rare that i feel open enough to share and write about this whole experience, as you can imagine, its been a rough one.
plus, not everyone wants to hop on a blog and end up crying, but today, God is giving me enough strength to pour this out onto my keyboard & start healing in a whole new way. i highly doubt that i will ever squash the feeling of grief completely from my every day, but thats just part of life.
loss. gain. love & somehow finding balance in it all.
"grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. all we can do is learn to swim. - vicki harrison"
