seriousG R A M M A G E.

i promised you grams & grams you shall have!

happy tuesday! xo

hello life!

where have i been?!

oh right, chasing arrow around non-stop. life is so fun right now! she is an almost 11 month old (cry my mama eyes out) speed crawler, table surfer, all around fun-haver! we have 5 teeth, love soups of all kinds, enjoy gingeronnos & long walks on the beach. kidding about those last two, those were about me. ha! baby toys are for the birds, books are for chewing & diaper changes are the most terrible things in her day. rough life.

she is a constant babbler, snack sharer, abel's wannabe best friend & my little ray of light. 

she has a way of turning everything around & putting it in perspective for me. I find myself clinging onto these days with white knuckles, she still fits across my lap in our creaky yellow rocking chair & still crawls to me after a good bonk on the head (she's a wild one.) wherever i am, thats where she wants to be; on one hand, i want her to bloom into an independent little miss, on the other, i always want her to be my sidekick & never to stray. gosh. life, its flying by. arrow is almost a year & that means my sisters little girl will be here soon (any day now!) & my other sister will be getting married soon & then its travel travel travel for a little while & then 2015. agh! i need it to slow down so my mind can catch up with my body! but there is no time now, i hear a tiny voice calling to me from the nursery…

happy monday everyone!

feels like forever.

some days, it feels like my dad passed yesterday & some days, it feels as though its been an eternity. it feels so long ago that i heard him say "hey ashy" when i walked through the door of my parents home, but the image of him holding my sweet arrow in the hospital is somehow still so fresh in my mind.

its a strange thing, loss. you watch it in the movies & hear stories from friends, and you feel sympathetic, because you couldn't imagine yourself in their position; but it is an entirely different feeling to place on your own body. the weight of it is nearly unbearable. my whole life has been drastically changed by removing just a single person. permanently. its not like i cry over my dad every day, but some days, man, it just hits me all over again. certain things, foods, songs, or people remind me of him; most the time it is a bittersweet sadness or an "i wish daddy were here, he would love this" moment.
i wish that i could just wrap my arms around him one more time or have a conversation with him, it wouldn't even have to be a life changer, just a conversation about the weather, whats for dinner or a broncos game would do. losing my dad has changed me, darkened me in some ways and lightened me in others. his passing gave me a new appreciation for life but in the same breath gave me a bitter taste in my mouth for people who still have what i would kill to get back. lately though, the grief has started to ease, i feel like my sisters and i are finally getting to the point where we can reminisce safely, without it ending up a huge cry fest. we can laugh about the good old days & sometimes even talk about his passing. my brothers have stepped up to the plate & done their best to fill the 'man' void in my moms new home, and life is seeming to just go on. not like normal. but go on. arrow+abel play a huge role in that i think. its so hard to feel sad & dark when they are so happy & light; growing, learning and changing & i know my dad is watching them from above with his trademark grin spread across his face. that gives me some peace.

its rare that i feel open enough to share and write about this whole experience, as you can imagine, its been a rough one.
plus, not everyone wants to hop on a blog and end up crying, but today, God is giving me enough strength to pour this out onto my keyboard & start healing in a whole new way. i highly doubt that i will ever squash the feeling of grief completely from my every day, but thats just part of life.
loss. gain. love & somehow finding balance in it all.

"grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. all we can do is learn to swim. - vicki harrison"

june in photos.

excuse me while i play catch up!! here are all the wonderful photos that were missing from my last june wrap-up post! all captions go clockwise from top left!

naked baby booty. i can't help but photograph that cute thing every time i get the chance, can you blame me?!

early morning snuggles with daddy.

summer days spent on grammy's back porch.

we have discovered arrow's favorite fruit. PEACHES. she devours them!

pom poms. 

 family drive-in date. we saw transformers, arrow saw the inside of her eyelids ;)

we are starting to stumble around a bit on our feet! she picks her feet up so high for each step. *my mama heart melts*

the top of those little heads, swoon. abel and arrow are becoming quite the pair. abel runs around while arrow crawls & follows him around as fast as her little chubby arms and legs can take her. they trade snacks, give kisses & share the shopping cart seat; & man, when they're together, so much cuteness i can hardly stand it.

grammy love.

smiles & stripes on great grandpa bill's lap.

murphy is arrows tug of war partner. (he usually wins.)

arrow has this new habit of playing on her back with her toys above her, unfortunately, more than once those toys have fallen from her outstretched arms and conked her on the head. 

SAND DUNES & some grandpa wayne love.

we live in such a beautiful place, i almost forget to appreciate it.

me, hilla & her beautiful bump soaking up some sun on the lake.

juicy lips.

we're standing pretty regularly around here. (tear.)

i spy with my little eye, a waker pie!

&& last but not least, my bed-headed beauty.

happy tuesday!!

hello june…err, july?

june was a wild one you guys & it came and went so quickly this year. june is my favorite month, probably because its my birth month, but also because it is the start of summer & permanently hot weather; this year with the exception of a few afternoon thunderstorms (& a random apocalyptic hailstorm) it has been just that, HOT. 

lets touch on the important stuff…..i made it through another dance recital with studio west & celebrated my birthday with friends, drinks & homemade donuts. the babies splashed in the baby pool & spent countless hours on the swing set. arrow had her first virus which she then passed on to me, gee thanks. me & husband took a weekend trip to the sand dunes in walden, i had a picnic with my favorite friend named olivia, we went to the drive-in & finished it all off with some good ol' boating on horsetooth (ice cold razbrrita in hand.)
**all of these pictures will posted in my next post**

all the while, arrow is growing at an alarming rate & is officially mobile. sheesh, thanks for the warning, moms! the dog food bowl is no longer safe on the floor & sweeping is a daily occurrence. she is pulling up on things & babble talking incessantly. dada, mama, nana & strange wookie noises are all regulars in her growing vocabulary.

I'm looking forward to july, a baby shower and time on the lake. more hot weather, watermelon slices & frozen popsicles. patio sitting, laying in the grass & dusky strolls through the neighborhood, dare i say it? this may just be the best summer yet.

little, stay little.

arrow june,

stay little.

stay forever tangled up in these blankets with me; rolling around in your diapy squeezing my cheeks with your slobbery hands. stay giggly & wiggly & small. don't ever grow up & definitely don't ever grow out of your rose print baby gap jammers that your daddy & i love so much. i know you want to crawl and walk but i promise you, the best view of the world is from my left hip & that you won't find a better babble talking conversationalist than me. stay adventurous, but not too adventurous, it scares me. stay chubby & clumsy, ill pick you up every time you fall on your cutie little booty.

i feel like just yesterday i swaddled your little wrinkly body for the first time, looking into your sleepy eyes thinking, wow, you are mine. now you're almost 9 months & your hair is growing & you're crawling & you're chatty & you're so busy; its all just happening too fast. time is flying by & I'm trying my hardest to breathe in every minute with you, but by the time my exhale prepares me for an inhale you've grown + changed again. id give anything to freeze time right where it is & have you fall asleep in my arms night after night, but since that is impossible. do your very best, for your mama's sake, to stay little as long as you can.
i love you rowdie jamkins, your mama.

grams on grams.

life lately, through the lens of my iPhone.